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Use Vivid Language

Before: "I could not really understand most of what I read, but my interests were stimulated."

After: "Although I did not understand every article, somewhere in the electronic pages of those journals, I found something rare in those days: hope."

Show, Don't Tell

Before: "My mother's struggle with multiple sclerosis made me want to go to medical school."

After: "Every day, I rushed home from class to care for my mother. Things went on in this manner for about two years..."

Demonstrate Personality

Before: "When my father was at work, it was my responsibility to look after my mother after I got home from school."

After: "I knew it was my responsibility to help, and I did not regret it—I only regretted that I could not do more."


Prompt: Use the space provided to explain why you want to go to medical school.

Original Essay

My mother's struggle with multiple sclerosis made me want to go to medical school. At the beginning of my first year of High School, I was shocked when a doctor diagnosed my mother with multiple sclerosis. When my father was at work, it was my responsibility to look after my mother after I got home from school. This became my normal daily routine. But I soon became frustrated with the idea that I was unable to help my mother, so one day I searched online medical journals for any insight. I could not really understand most of what I read, but my interests were stimulated. That day, I made up my mind to go to medical school so that I could learn about multiple sclerosis and look for a cure. Since then, I didn't found any miracle cure in time. But her condition impacted my life in a lasting way, and I still hope to attend medical school in order to learn to help parents who can no longer care for their children.

Edited Essay

Every day, I rushed home from class to care for my mother. Things went on in this manner for about two years. I knew it was my responsibility to help, and I did not regret it—I only regretted that I could not do more. On some days, overcome with frustration at the idea that I could not help my mother, I would scour online medical journals, sometimes hundred page pdf documents, for any insight. Although I did not understand every article, somewhere in the electronic pages of those journals, I found something rare in those days: hope. I became determined to attend medical school to further understand my mother's condition and search for a cure. Although I was not able to uncover a "miracle cure" in time, my mother's struggle left a lasting imprint on my life, and I now aspire, whether through medical research or practice, to discover ways to help parents who can no longer care for their children.